Jase Takes On...

I am slowly getting better at the yoga posture "crow." By better, I mean I can hold it longer than three seconds without falling.

This weekend marked my first, and likely last, one-night stand.

I met a really sweet guy who was visiting from L.A., on Saturday morning. We agreed that we'd both enjoy hanging out while he was in town, so I set up a dinner date that night.

Dinner was fun, and my date was good company. He worked for a particular company in an industry I was familiar with, so aside from his celebrity anecdotes, we had a common interest base. He was also very cute, with amazingly blue eyes and a tight, toned body. Given the mutual attraction it was natural that we ended up spending some intimate time together. (No alcohol was involved with either party, I might add.)

Unforunately for me, I was never fully comfortable with the situation. I've never been one for casual sex; I've always sought, and had, an emotional connection with the person. It's not out of any moralistic background, nor fear of being labelled a whore. I prefer that the physical intimacy represents something more substantial. So on some level, I felt I was basically having sex just because it was available, and I was not able to fully relax and enjoy myself. This bugged me at first; why couldn't I relax in a mutual give-and-take of appreciation and affection?

It's funny, because I was just reading a blog by a guy who decided to go out and pick up two others for a threesome, and he enjoyed it, but later felt guilt for being who he was. My situation is opposite, in that I don't have guilt, but I wasn't being true to myself. I really want that emotional bond, and without it, the physical doesn't give me what I'm looking for.

So I've learned something more about myself. Specifically, I came out of this experience having re-learned the lesson that I'm not into random encounters. Although I should know by now, never say never. ;)

My ex of seven months (that's two relationships ago now, for those keeping score) has, in my opinion, gone a bit off the deep end. This is the ex who didn't seem to have, or show, anything beyond a slight affection towards me; nor did he ever claim to have had these kinds of feelings.

Which makes his recent actions rather strange. I've hung out with a close friend of his on a couple of occasions now, including in a group outing with the ex. There's some potential interest between his friend and I, as we have a lot of common interests, but whether there is any true chemistry or compatibility has yet to be determined. We haven't even had a date yet!

Yet the ex has decided that this situation is unacceptable. He tried to tell his friend not to see me (after originally saying he was okay if we were to go out). When that didn't go over, the ex decided that I was to be ignored, and I received a scathing email about my disrepsect for him. Apparently his friend and I are not permitted to find our own happiness, without his permission and blessing.

What really gives me pause is a comment in the email, in which something the ex said made me wonder if he has feelings for this friend. They've known each other for several years; so it would be odd that nothing has happened if that was the case.

But something is not right. The email, besides being critical of me (and blaming me for the situation, and the argument the ex had with his friend) was... poorly written, as if the author was in a very bad state of mind. The whole thing is bl0wn out of proportion, given that there are three independent parties involved, and frankly, my ex shouldn't really have any involvement in this at all.

Is it a control issue, or are there unspoken and unadmitted feelings for someone? Who can say... but it sure is annoying! And rather sad, as I genuinely liked the ex, and thought he and I had a good friendship left over.

I can't take responsibility for him or his feelings, particularly when they are kept so private.

I'm feeling much better now than in my last post. Mentally, that is. I had another weekend which ended with me being sleep deprived -- for good reasons this time! -- and I have an upset stomach for no particular reason.

The short explanation is that instead of sitting around and moping for a week that a relationship with T. didn't work out, I decided that I should do what any sensible jockey would do: get back in the saddle after a fall.

It worked. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I'm sorting through four guys. Instead of fearing having to date again, I'm enjoying the fact that I have people that I can choose to go on dates with.

At this stage, only one has been met in person, and two haven't progressed beyond phone calls. And one of those I've ruled out for being, well, nice but boring. I guess it will be interesting to see where I am next week.

Of course, the situation is more complicated. Do I hear you asking why? One is friends with an ex, one went to high school with me (does that still count as a date?), and one also went to my high school -- a few years after me.

And if I'm honest, D. is always in the background. My friend (a.k.a. the Infamous Ex) is convinced that D. is my "Sex and the City" Mr. Big. Like Carrie Bradshaw, I'm connected to a loving yet resistant man, who is (physically) distant yet available when I need to feel grounded. Or serves as a reminder of what a whirlwind, passionate romantic interlude can be about. Our times together come and go, but the bond we've forged keeps bringing us back to each other.

Interesting times.... I think the rest of 2006 is going to be one helluva year.

It's been a tough weekend, as I knew it would be. The first few nights are always the worst, because it's when I'm alone at night, in bed, that the thinking starts. Which makes it tough to sleep!

Friday was the worst, and I doubt I got more than four or five hours of sleep; with only about three of those being consecutive. Last night I stayed up until 1:30, and got up this morning at 6:30... which means I'm still going to be running on mild sleep deprivation, until I can get caught up. I kept fairly busy yesterday, and had company for a good chunk of the day, but that doesn't really help me when it's bedtime.

One of my thoughts about T. has been on his comment that he didn't feel that we really clicked. I thought we had similar values, similar personalities, no question about the phsyical attraction... but I had noticed that a lot of times, our conversations just didn't "flow." There would be pauses, or I felt like I had to work harder to keep the conversation going.

I can be a quiet person, and I think that perhaps T. (despite his self-description as an extrovert) is similar. Which means we both had to work harder sometimes? In any case, I felt this was just part of the getting-to-know stage. I used to be struck quiet around D. when we first met, for example, because I got "tongue-tied." And he's super-extroverted. I figured that with T., it was just a matter of getting to know each other better. And to be less affected by being seriously 'in like,' which always makes me quiet around someone. I wonder if T. noticed this same phenomenon, but being relatively inexperienced in relationships, opted not to ride it out.

I also suspect T. was guilty of my other problem -- overanalyzing things. To death. Except that my overanalyzing stemmed from my gut feelings that something wasn't right, and it turned out, that something wasn't right. (Note to self: trust instincts next time.)

Man, that was faster than I'd break off with someone. I'd been thinking for the last week that things didn't feel right, but all my friends insisted that was foolish on my part.

Turns out my gut feelings were right though.

T. called me last night, to invite me over to his city (he lives 45 min away) to go out for dinner, and stay overnight. He also invited me out to see a show with his theatre friends in a couple of weeks. We had already bought Cirque du Soleil tickets for next weekend.

So I was reassured that everything was cool. Then tonight, as I was getting ready to head out, he called and asked if I'd like to meet halfway. I asked him what was up.

The short version: he didn't want to date me, and couldn't or wouldn't give a reason why. Claimed he did not know the reason.

Yes, it hurts. Yes, this is my third relationship with a 27 year old that has ended in unhappy fashion. Yes, I really thought he had potential.

But I was mistaken. I have no idea what he is or was thinking. All I know, and can take responsibility for, is myself.

And right now I want nothing to do with any guy, because I hate going through this. I've already gone through two ugly breakups with people I genuinely loved, and even this one -- with a state of "like" -- is really tough. I'm not sure what I'll come out of this with, but hopefully some positive state of mind will eventually arise.

At least this makes the stress at work lately seem trivial in comparison.

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